Braining Forward

My personal story about the fight against myself. A daily fight yes, but a daily victory in knowing I am the survivor of a TBI(traumatic brain injury). With each day comes a new win.

Over Emotional…Emotions

No noise. I hear nothing but my children playing in the living room and my boyfriend digging through the closet to find his rain coat.

Another argument-Another moment of my over emotional self.

I envy those who can truly think out their next action or out loud thought because I just say what first comes to mind and I don’t care how it makes the other person feel. No, I take that back. I do care how it makes the other feel but I can’t stop what is already coming out of my mouth. It’s as though I am a person with a defect. Only my defect is my brain injury.

Today I spent all day with my kids. Today was Memorial Day and there was neither school no daycare, so it resulted in a day off. We spent the day at the car lot-having a diagnostic done, Fred Meyers for a late breakfast, Old Navy for shopping, O’reillys, Costco, nearby grocery store, and Red Robin. By the end of it, my brain was done.

What really put my brain on overdrive was when I couldn’t reach my boyfriend. He gets off work at three. I tried to reach him for one hour and nothing…I just kept getting voicemail. Finally, at 4:10 he calls me. I know I sounded irritated so he asked what was wrong. He always asks what is wrong because I, a lot of the time, sound irritated.

My irritable self has resulted to us now ignoring one another. I know if I speak I will snap so it’s better that I remain quiet as a mouse.

Going back to when my irritation began…When he said his phone died, I didn’t believe him. I am always scared he will find better. I will admit, I am insecure. I feel like an idiot half the time, I know I’m not the most social(because of feeling like what I say doesn’t make sense), I’m not adventurous any longer, I am forgetful, my emotions fluctuate a lot more than normal…I’m just…

I lack in reasoning and communication. Rather than talk, I yell. Rather than look at things with a wide scope, I narrow my vision to through the narrow tunnel. The tiniest thing sets me off and people end up looking at me as though I’m a freak. It’s times like this when I want my old self back.

My boyfriend says he loves me and I believe he does, but I also know my relationship will run short because he will one day give up on me and my irrational self. Every day, I tell myself that I must get better…every day, I promise myself things will change…every day passes and then I hope for the next.

Continued prayer is all I find in my stressful self. No one but God seems to understand. All people see when I get upset is a crazy person. I’m always asked what’s wrong with me when I flip out. How do i begin to answer when you can’t begin to understand? People tell me to calm down and that only makes me madder.

Eleven years since the accident and I see no improvement…well, I at least no longer swear in restaurants because the service is taking too long.

I’m not an empty shell and I do care. I am sorry if I end up hurting you because my brain takes over. The good angel in me would love to take over but sometimes the bad must make an entrance to. Just more than it should.

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