Braining Forward

My personal story about the fight against myself. A daily fight yes, but a daily victory in knowing I am the survivor of a TBI(traumatic brain injury). With each day comes a new win.

Frontal Lobe Rollercoaster

Yesterday, I was happy.
Today, I am sad.
Tomorrow, I will be…

The left frontal lobe is the main part of my brain that was injured as a result of the motorcycle accident in 2002. My frontal lobe…really? The part of my brain responsible for emotion and reaction. I’m a woman…I’m already emotional and up and down, let’s just jump that issue by 50%.

Today is Valentines Day. Today is the day of love. Today my boyfriend went shopping to get me something he thought I’d like. Today I instead received something I dislike entirely. Today I resorted to the behavior of a sixteen year old girl who doesn’t get the right cd from her parents on Christmas.

I pouted then moped then yelled at him then cried. He called me selfish. He is right. After all, my emotional circuitry was cut resulting in my ‘I don’t give a shit in hurting your feelings because my brain has gone one track and I don’t know how to turn me off’ behavior.

I’m sorry. I love my boyfriend, I do. I know he meant good. But this immature side of me, this side I hate…this side that meets no halfway or fails to see an attempt…refuses to remove its blinds because it is already stuck on the one way highway of hell.

Tears are building and I’m not knowing how to shut them off.

He looks at me because I stay quiet. I’m a strange woman…what he doesn’t understand, since he didn’t know me before the accident is I choose to stay quiet. I choose to stay quiet since I know I will go from zero to one hundred the second I open my mouth. Anger management taught me well and keeping quiet is something I learned works for me. But if you keep pressing those buttons…if you keep pestering me, I will snap. I will probably even say things I do not mean to say because trust me, the last thing I want to do is hurt those I love.

My world spins and I don’t know how to make it stop. How I wish I could be a normal thirty, almost thirty one year old woman. Let me pretend to like a gift so my boyfriend doesn’t result to feeling like he belongs in loser vile. Let me be able to show fake smiles that look real rather than a pouty face.

I’m tired of changing moods so drastically in only a short period of time. Life is too short and it’s only getting shorter.

Today, I am sad.
Yesterday, I was happy.
Tomorrow, I will be…

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