Braining Forward

My personal story about the fight against myself. A daily fight yes, but a daily victory in knowing I am the survivor of a TBI(traumatic brain injury). With each day comes a new win.

Invisible Pain

“Please stay home. You are sick. Just trust me.” My boyfriend pleads, begging for me to stay home from work since he sees my throat is not in a good ‘me’ condition. He sees the unhealthy me but I sure as hell don’t. “I’ll be fine. Please don’t worry about me.” I grab my purse, throw my boots on, and head out the door.

My three kids all sit out in the warm car as they wait for me. My throat is a tad sore but I’ll manage. I make sure everyone is buckled before I leave. I drop the kids off at daycare. It’s early and a tad hard to breathe. It must be the cold air.

So early. I’m extremely tired but not sure why considering I’ve had all weekend to sleep and even went to bed by seven the night before. I’m not feeling anything other than a mild sore throat. I pop a cough drop before I head in to work.

About an hour into my shift and my throat really begins to bother me. One of my co-workers asks if I’m okay since he hears the change in my voice. I tell him I’m not sure. Honestly, what I want to tell him is the truth…I want to say, “you know, I’m not sure…I had this terrible accident so many years back that I can’t feel if I’m truly sick or not till it becomes too late…but thanks for asking.” Too harsh? Probably. Instead, I kindly respond with, “I’ll be fine. Thank you.” I get up from my desk and hunt for a good friend/manager of mine. When I find her, I have her peek down my mouth using my phones flashlight as a guide. “Honey, you should really go in. Well cover you.”

Getting out to my car, I text my boyfriend to give him the latest and no so greatest.

Update: strep. I have strep. Never have I had strep. Do my kids have it? How long will I have to be out? Have I infected others? My endless list of questions is just that…endless. But I have to realize what is done is done.

The doctor couldn’t believe I waited till I did. She couldn’t believe I couldn’t feel it till then. No fever, no sore joints, nothing…brain injury doc…totally messed up circuitry doc…that’s how I was able to have three natural child births doc.

I’m sure most of you reading would love to live a pain free live. It’s not so fucking perfect. Your pain may build…mine hits hard with no warning. I don’t know until the end is near…the end that is my less than perfect beginning.

Example…about two weeks after having give birth to my son, I grew violently ill. No warning, just wam! In the hospital for two weeks. I nearly died. Uterus infection…I had a toxic uterus infection.

If my body can go that long without telling me something is very much wrong with me, then what will happen when something big may happen…something big like cancer?

Maybe I’m exaggerating, but I don’t think so…especially when I have a faulty system. It can happen…and if it does, chances are it will be too late.

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